From Langalist 5-14-03

Here's a little regional humor from reader Ken Thomson. It's aimed at Canadians, but can be adapted to almost any region. (And, before anyone lights the torches, let me gently point out that my wife's family is French-Canadian; I'd be nuts to include this, if it were anything but a not-to-be-taken-seriously joke... )

CANADIAN JOKE #1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #4

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

ME

/me says "I AM CANADIAN"

The Speeding Ticket

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

A rather homely looking old man proposed to a younger, attractive woman...

She looked at him and wasn't much attracted physically but found his personality rather amusing and kindly and so she told him she'd wait on his proposal if he would... He eagerly agreed. Time went on and they got to know each other and he learned a lot from her which was unusual for the old man since he was her senior...time further went on and they shared much affection even though the old man was terribly jealous of the younger woman's interaction with other men and often pointed this out to her and made her publicly decry anyone who came near her.

This was hard for the young woman because often she had to humiliate herself publicly in order to prove herself to the old, homely man…time went on and finally the old man used everything he had learned from the young woman and had no use for her any longer and was happy to see her gone from his life so he could pretend he was the smart one and pretend that he had learned everything on his own that she’d taught him and when she was angry and hurt and bitter he finally chuckled deviously and replied, “Heck woman, I’m old and homely but I know better than to want a woman who is smarter, younger and better lookin’ than me! That’s just plain trouble!”

Cool link

http://www.solarnight.com/404.htm

haha

and there aren't americans over there either huh

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

That was excellent!!!

I got an old lady whose name is Big Mamma
She tells me she's gotta go somewhere warmer,
She leff me, jes plum took off,
An now my life its gone up on blocks,

I dont know what I'm gonna do,
Now that my babys given me the boot!
I've got the blooooooos
I've got the blooooooos
My babies gone and left me with nothing but a pair of tennis shoes!

I dunno how much longer I can take the strain,
I gettin a shoulder colder than drizzelin rain,
I hear the mournful whistle of the morning train,
My baby aint caused me nothing but pain!

I dont know what I'm gonna do,
Now that my babys given me the boot!
I've got the blooooooos
I've got the blooooooos
My babies gone and left me with nothing but a pair of tennis shoes!

I was busy drown my sorrows in whisky,
When my baby came in and said "Didja miss me?"
She began to come on toward me acting, kinda frisky,
Then she tackled me to floor and started to kiss me!

Now I know just exactly what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna slap on a smile an shake off these blues!!

- Composed by a Teenaged Computer Freak, CerebroJD

That was EXCELLENT, BoBoMoe!! Cerebro! You got da Blues!!

..dragin' out my axe and changin' my name to...Blind Bananna Bush hmmm...I used the formula but somehow that don't quite sound bluesey

Just one wish.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three...
You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!!
No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish".
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

I've got the blues,
yes I do!
I cant seem to keep my mind off you,
yes its true,
Cant you see,
What you mean to me?
To my heart I gave you the key!

Ok that was worse than the other one :vomit:

cerebroJD, look what you did, who is going to clean your >?

Ph00ey is awesome with the flash stuff

You also gave me a the idea to create a interesting 404 error page for my new site when I learn PHP.

Check this site out: its my site, and I only have the design of it, no content or something yet:

http://www.styl-x.com

Pretty cool, you might want to optimize your graphics so they load faster. I'm on cable and it took a while for some odd reason. Might want to check that out and see how it goes. If it loads fast for you, you may already have it in your temp. So you would have to dump your temp files and reload the page again. It was just a idea

I've read a article, You have 8 seconds to catch a surfer's attention. Unless they were going directly for a purpose. I've read so many help articles and books on web designing. But I'm stuck on my creative side ..

The slownes of the page dasn't have anything to do with your cable, its my lame upload speed
I will put them online soon...

Stupid Laws:
NEW YORK -
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
* The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


NEW JERSEY -
* You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only.

* In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a
restaurant.


CALIFORNIA -
* It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.


FLORIDA -
* It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
* Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.


OHIO -
* Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
* It is illegal to get a fish drunk.


KANSAS -
* Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
* No one may catch fish with his bare hands.


OKLAHOMA -
* Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a
dog.
* State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.


ALABAMA -
* It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in
church.
* Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.



WISCONSIN -
* In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
* Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.


VIRGINIA -
* It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
* Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is
outlawed.


TEXAS -
* It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.
* It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a
permit.
* A few years ago they removed the "needed killing" plea for murder cases.

ILLINOIS -
* It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police
officer.
* Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

OREGON
* It is against the law to pump your own gas.

IOWA -
* Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five
minutes.
* One-armed piano players must perform for free.
* In Ottumwa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the
corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom
he is unacquainted."

WASHINGTON -
* It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
* People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.


MASSACHUSETTS -
* Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
* It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.


ARIZONA -
It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
In Tucson, women may not wear pants.


ALASKA -
* Public flatulence carries a $100 fine.

ARKANSAS -
* The law against voter intimidation is written so that, if
enforced, nobody would be allowed to vote: "No Person shall be
permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 50
feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the
opening of the polls until the completion of the count and
certification of the counted returns."

GEORGIA -
* In Ackworth, all households must own fishing poles.

LOUISIANA -
* It is illegal to bring a tiger over the state line without
having it dipped. (Gov. Huey P. Long made the Ringling Bros. unable
hold their show by enforcing this one)

WASHINGTON -
* In 1989, Senator Jim West proposed legislation to make it
illegal for couples under 18 to engage in "heavy petting". It
was killed the next year.


Cities:
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the
same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to
dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and
pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and
drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking
on your hands.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story
window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the
movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing
while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in
public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house
together because that constitutes a brothel... however up to 120 men
can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
husband's permission.

In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night
must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for
the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or
unless she be armed with a club."

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute
shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding
200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

Finally got on here!

Interesting Facts

* It is impossible to lick your elbow.

* People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,
your heart stops beating for a millisecond.

* The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.

* If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress
a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there's a Superman somewhere.

* 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

* In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, ingest 70
assorted insects and 10 spiders.

* Cat's urine glows under a black light.

* Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

*Kim*

Uhm... I did try to ilck my elbow

/me can lick his elbow

Oil Change instructions for Men:

Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

Have another beer while watching oil drain.

Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from step 11.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

Drink beer.

Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

Drink beer.

Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw stupid crescent wrench.

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

Beer.

Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

Beer.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

Beer.

Test drive car.

Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

Car gets impounded.

Call loving wife, make bail.

12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

Dang, I can't lick my elbow , That would be interesting if I could Then I could prove it wrong

Hmm, I should try sneezing with my eyes open