Banned for trailing umbrellas to make the shade at 110.

Banned for using a parachute to slow down your entry when the local supermarket has your fav cereal on special for 50c

Banned for spelling color like a limey.

Banned for you're the one spelling it incorrectly... along with so many other words where letters are either omitted or replaced with others: like S for Z., for example.

BTW, the English were spelling English correctly long before the US was a twinkle in Columbus' eye... and the cherry tree got cut down.

So banned for spelling aluminium like a Yank and calling a willy a John Thomas.  It's simply not the Queen's English, is it.

Which reminds me of the Cockney soldier in the trenches during WWI over in France.  As is often with Cockneys, he was speaking to a mate in rhyming slang when a stiff upper lip officer sternly asked: "Do you not know the King's English, private?"

"Sir, I sure 'opes 'he is.  After all, I am over 'ere fighting for the bastard."

Band for not being a proud card-carrying member of the Centre  for Americanized Spelling of the English language.

Banned for gastronomical incidents.

Banned for blaming the chef for getting gas after a gastronimical delight [pun intended]

And what's a gastronomist?

A chef who serves cordon bleu baked beans.   

Anyhow!

Well I'll stay banned, then.  I'm an Oxford Dictionary bloke through and through  Oh, and what's this Centre for Americanised Spelling......?  Shouldn't that be Center?

Also, banned for picking up a Websters Dictionary and thinking it's the English Language Bible.   

Banned for hitting on aunt Merriam and asking uncle Webster to watch.

Banned for sending me 'those' photos of aunt Merriam to get me interested in her to begin with.... and double banned for making uncle Webster take them in the first place.

Which reminds me of the time I met a politician I really, really didn't like at a polling station.  He was waffling on about what he was going to do if he won in the then upcoming election. 

Anyway, I butted in and asked if he had any photos of his wife in the nude.  He came back with a rather indignant no, to which I asked: "Wanna buy some?"

LMAO

Banned for making me laugh at a respectable hour.

banned for laughter of the highest order

Banned for mirth of the lowest order

Banned for mirth of the lowest order

Banned for double-posting a ban.

Banned for not taking up the next slot so my post could spill over into it and make a double entry.

Banned because any dike will spill over after being subjected to a double entry.

Banned only if there's enough holes to stick your fingers and toes in.

Banned for counting on yer fingers and kicking off yer shoes to count on yer toes.

banned for wanting all to toe the line with a tow rope

Banned for contradicting Mother Nature. She doesn't like straight lines, she thinks they're boring.

banned for striving after the wind in a contrary walk

Banned for cheating on the sobriety test.

Banned for submitting to a sobriety test.  (The blue boys can't give you one, even at a DUI checkpoint without first demonstrating probable cause here in the land of the deluded into believing they're free.)

Banned for failing a sobriety test after only drinking non-alcoholic ginger beer.

Here in the sunny state of Queensland, and probably other states/territories of Australia, it is a criminal offence to refuse a breathalyser/take part in a sobriety test.  Refusing to do so results in instant arrest for testing while in custody... which can't be refused or force would be used to collect blood and other samples.

See, we Aussies know we're not free..... and neither is anybody else.

 Banned 'cause free is a figment of a deluded persons imagination. There is never something for nothing. Just ask Anybody.