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Professor Bunsen Honeydew Found Dead in Muppet Labs
" Beaker’s bail was set at $500, as he is considered a low flight risk due to “having a guy’s hand up his ass.” - photo by Mike Rossmassler
Scott Baba
Staff Writer
Thursday evening, local professor and inventor Dr. Bunsen Honeydew was discovered dead in his office at Muppet Labs, victim of multiple stab wounds to the chest and neck.
Police were called to the scene after passers-by reported hearing crashes and sounds of violence coming from within the building. Upon entry, they found Honeydew’s body in his office, which was in a state of extreme disarray.
Officers on the scene described the carnage as “horrifying and disturbing,” and said, “Half the room was matted in varying layers of cotton stuffing.”
Honeydew’s assistant, Beaker, was found in an adjoining laboratory, covered in felt and blood and holding what appeared to be a shattered test tube, also covered in blood. Police efforts to disarm him resulted in the injury of two officers. He is currently being held for suspected homicide, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer.
During the fracas, Beaker was quoted as shouting, “Meep meep, meep meep meep meep meep.” Police have reported that they consider the verbal assault to be a waiving of his Miranda Rights, and are planning on using as part of the prosecution’s case, should Beaker be charged.
Police investigators, however, have said they do not believe Honeydew to be “completely innocent” in the event. Chief Investigator Holling Turner, although wary to jump to any conclusions so early, described the laboratory as “frightening.” Says Turner, “There are vats of what appear to be pure adrenaline with needles strewn about, leather restraints on tables, nipple clips connected to portable generators, and contraptions too horrible to describe.”
Kermit T. Frog, longtime friend and financial sponsor of the late professor, described Thursday’s events as “tragic” but also “inevitable, really.” Said Frog, “We all saw it coming. For years I’d try to get him to let up on Beaker.” Frog claims that Honeydew’s activities had always started out innocuously enough, but that in recent years “it all just seemed to snowball.”
Frog added, “I think it came to a head the day he told us he was going to force-feed Beaker several live hamsters. I told him I wouldn’t be party to his work any longer. Words were said, and I haven’t spoken to him since.”
Another close friend of both Honeydew and Beaker who wished to remain anonymous said that he felt “horgee gorjee” about the death, and added “Hoga foovra wobsie booda, hergee verga woopsle.”
Honeydew’s controversial experiments have long been under fire from both the academic community and leading human rights organizations, but he continued to persist despite all criticism. “After all,” said Honeydew in an interview taken some time prior to his passing, “progress has always come at a cost. These are necessary experiments. It is important to know exactly how much caffeine is too much caffeine, what the tensile strength of the human neck is, and how much electricity the body can take before it is forcefully flung from where it is sitting and thrown across the room.”
